Is there something wrong with me? There are a bunch of Singaporeans in J-Hopper's backpackers' singing (a floor above) pop songs and strumming a guitar. I don't want to join them. In fact, I feel sort of negative about it. Am I envious, or am I shunning everything that reminds me of home? I don't know what I"m feeling at 3:30am.

Kyoto is so overwhelming - it seems like there's something at every spot on the map. There seems to be a lack of places where I can just wander around aimlessly, and even when I search "off the beaten track Kyoto" (I hate crowds), they are just places with more temples, gardens and paths. I need to do more research, but I am tired. Maybe it's really okay for me to be here without doing anything. I sat on the bus and wrote a lot today, for the first time.

i do not want to return to Singapore. I feel much more independent after the 1.5 months, that I don't really need people. It's the state I've always hoped to be in - independent and less affected by others. This feeling is great - I don't want to return to Singapore and get used to people, because I know I will eventually get used to them and get attached to them. And attachment means hurt, because people are not meant to stay. We are islands. When I'm alone in Japan, there are no expectations of anybody at all.

I tell myself that people are individuals, and when I'm abroad alone, it feels real. It feels real because truly, I am alone, and am enjoying myself so so so much. I like myself so much more when I'm alone - I'm so much better with directions, I reflect so much more, I learn so much from talking to the strangers I've met. I do not do anything to please others, or unintentionally get their attention. Everything is done without the thought that somebody else is watching. But will "we are meant to be alone" feel real when I'm back in Singapore, surrounded by people whose warmth I might crave?

I don't know why I don't seem to enjoy my time here in Kyoto. I feel like I dread going home, and having to pack and move back into Tembusu immediately. I feel like I want to spend my time relaxing here, to collect myself before I return to the hectic lifestyle. It's not that I do not like Kyoto, I just.. I'm just tired.

I don't want to return to Singapore, and there is so much more I want to say, but even when I'm on a holiday, I can't sleep at ungodly hours and wake up feeling refreshed the next morning. My body has begun to break down, I have to sleep.

So i was thinking if i've learnt anything from my trip so far, if i've experienced any events that has helped me grow. I thought, not really. Well, perhaps not anything for me to write about, but small little conversations with people like Nabil remind me to have a greater heart for people.

He said, "you know, we have "ying guo ren", "zhong guo ren", "mei guo ren", but in the end the word "ren" remains unchanged. We're all still human, we're the same. It's difficult in Japan, you know, there's the language barrier. I really want to know the language and know people. Not to earn money, but just to talk to them."

I told him my aim of this trip was to live the life of a Japanese, and that it's sad that we have this language barrier, it makes things impossible. Nabil said this is exactly why he was motivated to study chinese. He's excellent at it, even if you don't consider the fact that he's actually from Manchester.

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Yamaguchi-san was kind enough to help me with the booking of the bus tickets, and I'm ever so thankful to have an RA like him. Wee Kian is a really helpful individual who enjoys learning about others, and Ee Faye is so open to people, so refreshing. Wan shares her things with people without hesitation, and Flair reminds me of myself sometimes.

From the people I talked to, I also learnt that some of my friends from china are not as open about inter-racial relationships or homosexuality. I think it takes time for them to be able to accept it, and China is still a developing country afterall. We got to give it time, not look down on them. We are all humans afterall.

My past 2-3 weeks have mostly been spent with Joseph, and we've established that we won't talk to each other when we're back in Hong Kong and Singapore respectively, since we're both not people to initiate conversations. We don't talk about our emotions or our deepest thoughts, but I do know bits of him, as a person. I don't open up in front of him, and sometimes I don't know if he's actually interested to listen. But I do enjoy our trips to places far away.

I don't hang out with the NUS group much because I don't really like groups. During class today, I asked myself if I'm keeping to myself again, not stepping out of my barrier. I keep hanging out with either Joseph or Chun Wee individually because they like 1 to 1 hangouts too. Should I be meeting more people? I don't know, but the occasional chats with other people do fine.

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Supangkat just posted on the Tembusu page about him donating some books to the 12th floor lounge. I thought, this is the reason why I love Tembusu so much - everybody is so helpful and sharing.

I don't know exactly what it means to grow as a person. I don't want to grow for myself, I want to grow for other people.

My thoughts and the words i say don't always correspond to each other, i realized.

the japanese i talk to don't really like having photos of themselves taken. Japanese in general, actually.